Call it pretending
by The Revampire
Summary: When Sam loses Jess to something supernatural, he goes in search of his big brother for help but finds out that Dean has gone into hiding for unknown reasons. After three months of searching, he finally finds Dean...and the reason why he's been hiding. WINCEST!


Tags:

Unbetaed, First person point of view, Sam's pov main, Dean's pov occasionally, Kid fic, Trigger warning for mention of abortion, Eventual romance, Slow burn, Angst, Grief, Healing, Follows episodes of season 1, Au, Ooc, Superlightpornheavyplot, Emphasis on romantic and brotherly relationship

WINCEST

 _*sam*_

It's just after midnight when I pull up to a small house in Hartford, South Dakota. I park in front of it and kill the engine, breathing out in relief and exhaustion. Months of searching _finally_ over.

I don't get out of my car right away, though, feeling a nervousness start to creep in. I may have been looking for my brother with the intent of finding him, but _actually_ finding him...I don't think I prepared myself enough for that reality.

He's been living here for just a little over two years. Well, _supposedly_. I have no personal confirmation that he _actually_ lives here, just a tip of a sighting and an odd name popping up in this city that screams Dean.

Studying the house, I frown slightly. It's so plain that it's painful; absolutely not a place I expected to find my brother living in. The house is a tiny, one-story place, painted a bland white with royal blue trim. The lawn is well cared for and it's enclosed in a chain-link fence. As I take a cursory glance around the neighborhood, I see that all the houses are built the same - severely unremarkable and so suburban it makes my skin crawl.

Once upon a time, I would have loved to have lived in a place like this but now...I just can't find comfort in it. It's not who I am meant to be. And it sure as hell isn't Dean.

So, what brought him here and made him stay? What drove him to practically fall off the face of the Earth that it took me just over three months to find him.

A small ember of anger starts to burn in my chest; anger at it taking so long to find him, that he hid from me. It then begins to burn hotter because I found him _here_. Apparently living a life that he said he would _never_ live; living a life he _condemned_ me for wanting.

 _Why the hell is here?!_

 _Why is he choosing_ this _?!_

I sigh harshly, closing my eyes and forcing myself to be calm. Whatever his reason or reasons for being here, I can't really judge him. _I_ chose 'normal' four years ago, too, and left him behind without once looking back in regret. The bitterness just stings because a little over three months ago I lost what he currently has.

Well, I won't get any explanations just sitting out here in the car, I decide, opening my door and climbing out.

I push the car door closed rather than let it slam shut, so as not to disturb the people living here or give Dean a chance to see that it's me and hide. I walk up to the front door, quietly and slowly, still feeling that hesitation. Just because I need him doesn't mean he will welcome me. I know I hurt him pretty bad the last time we saw each other. I just have to hope he can be forgiving...because if he isn't...then I don't know what to do. He's my last resort; I _need_ his help.

I take a deep, steadying breath, bracing myself for whatever his reaction will be at seeing me. I knock on the door hard three times, hoping that Dean is still a light sleeper or that his room is close by because I'd like not to wake the neighborhood by banging on his door.

Thankfully, Dean's sleep habits haven't changed when, a few seconds later, I see the curtains of the window next to the door get pulled back and the tired face of Dean appears. At first, he glares at me, which is fair; I'm knocking at midnight. Then his face softens in surprise when he sees that it's me, and it gives me some hope that coming to see him is okay.

He mouths 'give me a minute' and disappears from the window. It takes him just under a minute before he's at the front door and unlocking it. However, when he opens it, he steps outside instead of inviting me in.

It stings a bit that I'm not welcome into his home but I figure he either has a good reason for it or that I've rightly lost the privilege.

"Sam?" he says with disbelief, closing the door behind him. "What are you doing here?" he questions, his voice low and soft with a slight edge of annoyance. He wraps his robe tighter around him and tightens the rope, shivering faintly at the chilly air of the January night. "And, how _the hell_ did you even find me?"

"First off, ' _hi_ '," I say, letting my irritation get the better of me. "And it wasn't easy, but I did learn from the best on how to track a person who doesn't want to be found," I say pointedly.

He rolls his eyes and gives a small smirk. "Yeah, I gotta be more careful with what I teach you."

I huff a small laugh, and then explain, "Also, it helps when I remember our old contacts. Barry, that Hunter that mostly sticks around Minnesota, said he saw you around here when he was passing through to see Bobby."

He nods, crossing his arms over his chest and sighs heavily. "He did. Around summer, last year; I remember. So much for asking him to forget that he saw me."

"Um, well, to be fair, I _might_ have told him that I hadn't seen you in a while and we lost contact; but before we did, you had mentioned moving. So, I was asking around for your new address so I could come up for a surprise visit. He gave me Hartford. After that, I just had to search the city, and well, I figured it was you when I saw a listing for 'Lawrence Hetfield'," I say, a little sheepish but not apologetic.

Dean chuckles, looking at me slightly amused. "Well, it's definitely a surprise, and yeah, I'll admit 'Lawrence Hetfield' is kind of obvious if someone who knew me was looking for me," he says. "And it's not like I specified that my location was supposed to be hidden from _you_. You're my brother, _of course,_ he told you." He doesn't sound angry but he doesn't sound happy either, and it leaves me unsure if coming to ask him for help was the right thing to do. But, in all fairness, I didn't really have a choice. I need him right now; as my partner and brother.

I sigh heavily then, looking him over searchingly. "Dean," I start wearily. " _Why_ are you even hiding?" I ask seriously and gesture at his house. "I _never_ expected to find you in a place like _this_."

"Yeah, well, _I_ never expected to be in a place like this either," Dean says derisively. "But, things change, Sammy." He then looks at me suspiciously. "And truthfully, you weren't supposed to find me. So, I gotta ask you, what are _you_ doing here? Last time we saw each other, you were telling me to go screw myself so you could get back to working on that college degree at Stanford."

I flush with shame at the memory. No matter how much I wanted a normal life, it _shouldn't_ have cost me my brother. I should have worked harder to _include_ him in my 'normal', but I was just _so_ angry with him for siding with dad and not understanding why going to college was important to me.

"I don't have the right to ask, I know, but I need your help. I need dad, too, but I can't find him anywhere and none of his contacts have seen or heard from him in a while," I say, keeping it simple; not willing to waste my breath explaining about Jess and what happened to her in case he decides to turn me away. No need to destroy the wall that took me so long to build just so I could _start_ searching for the thing that killed Jess.

Dean gives a bitter laugh. "Yeah, well, can't help you with dad. Haven't spoken with him in almost two years," he explains. "I told him I was leaving the Hunting life - for reasons - and he practically disowned me. Too. Wondered where he went wrong with you and me before he wished me luck and hung up," he says faintly amused, rolling his eyes as if it didn't bother him one bit.

Which startles me because a dismissal like that from dad would have, honestly, should have killed him; but here he is, talking about it like it didn't truly matter.

Dean then gives me a serious look. "Which, by the way, I gotta apologize to you about," he starts somberly. "I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you with dad, that I didn't back you up about going to college. I'm sorry I gave you grief about it. I didn't understand...that sometimes you just need to get out of The Life."

I simply stare at him, almost gawking, feeling like I've lost my grip on reality or that I've found a Dean from a parallel universe because I _never_ expected to get _that_ apology _ever_ from him.

"What?" Dean says uncomfortably after a beat of silence.

"Nothing. Just wondering if I died on the way up here or stumbled into an alternate universe, because only in my wildest dreams would you have ever apologized for that and meant it," I explain.

Dean laughs loudly before quickly covering his mouth, glaring at me as if I _made_ him laugh.

"Shut up," he snaps lightly, with a small smile. "Still, I mean it. I'm sorry."

I return the smile and say, sincerely, "Thanks. It means a lot."

Dean nods and then looks at me questioningly. "So, what do you need help with? Obviously, dad isn't gonna be able to help, but I can try. I mean, do you need money or a place to crash?" He frowns then, "What happened to Stanford?"

"No," I shake my head, heart clenching at the mention of Stanford. "I don't need money or a place to crash or anything like that. I need help; with a Hunt."

Dean looks at me surprised and confused before turning to look at the front door, which causes a deeply troubled expression to settle on his face.

I look at the door, too, my curiosity piqued, and I realize with his 'things change' phrase - something, or someone is _why_ he's here. It surprises me greatly to think that he finally found some girl worth settling down with considering he was a one-night stand-every-night kind of guy. It also makes an irrational jealousy flare hotly, but I force myself to ignore it because I can't hate him for doing what I did, and it's not his fault that I lost it.

He then looks back at me, regret clear on his face and my heart sinks.

"You can't help me, can you?" I ask solemnly.

Dean shakes his head. "No. Not...now, or...ju-just not," he stammers awkwardly.

I look away from him, disappointed; nodding, I sigh, "Yeah, okay." Feeling unsure of my next move. Not sure if there even _is_ a next move.

"Hey, look," he says sharply suddenly. "It's not that I don't _want_ to help you, okay? I just _can't_."

"I get it. It's fine," I pacify. I look at his tiny, bland house. "Can I ask why, though? What made you stop Hunting? What made you settle down _here_?"

Dean looks back at the front door as if seeing past it. After a long moment, he sighs heavily and looks back at me.

"Fine. Come inside," he concedes. "It will be easier for you to understand if you I _show_ you because I'm pretty sure you won't believe me if I told you."

I look at him, intensely curious. "Okay. Lead the way."


End file.
